I posted this a few years back on my myspce blog (remember that place). I was single at the time and had a slightly different take on the magical holiday known as Valentine’s Day. I’m currently in a very happy relationship and no longer share the views that I’ve expressed in this dated post. However, I still feel that it may be of some value or entrainment to some, and therefore I have decided to post it here. Enjoy (or not).
Valentine’s day, V-day, or just simply, V.D. Whatever you call it, it’s that time of the year again; when lovers reaffirm their lust for one another, and the lonely contemplate suicide. Hallmark, the tree-cutting company, has made great strides in growing this into a huge holiday by stressing the importance of card and gift-giving (no, herpes doesn’t count). I don’t like to focus so much on the gift-giving as I like to focus on the love-making. Because love-making is what I’m good at. Well, at least that’s what she said. Giving gifts, not so much. Unless I’m giving thee D. This Valentine’s day, just like the year before, I will be single. Oh, don’t get me wrong. It’s a good thing. And I actually plan it that way. Allow me to elaborate.
First, if you have a girlfriend, find a way not to have one by the time Valentine’s day rolls around. That shit can get expensive. I know you’re thinking that being single on Valentine’s day may be depressive. But don’t panic, I can show you how to make it manic. I’ll divulge the secret system I use, at no charge to you and show you how you can turn a potentially negative situation into an absolutely spectacular event. “How?”, do you ask. Continue reading my friends, the answers lie right before you (Sorry chicks this advice pertains to the dudes).
You see, there are plenty of single women out there and they would like nothing more that to spend even a slice of their Valentine’s day with a handsome, sensitive, and affectionate gentleman. That’s where I come in. Since all the handsome, sensitive, and affectionate gentlemen are probably already with their girlfriends, or boyfriends, it gives the average Joe, like myself a good shot to come up on some questionably quality vag. But on Valentine’s day it is quantity, not quality, that counts. I’m not looking to start a relationship with anyone. Sure, in the long-run that might be a goal, but not now. The timing just isn’t right. I’m simply looking to spend a few hours of my day with three to four lonely gals looking for real love, but willing to settle for less.
It all starts the night before – Valetine’s eve. You spend the night with someone you wouldn’t mind waking up to. You’ll wake up to breakfast (and head) in bed. What I like to call, “rise and shine!” This is almost guaranteed since she will try extra hard to make you want to come back and spend the rest of your day with her. You wont. You have a job to go to and you will be slammed with work later tonight because you are the only single guy in the office and took one for the team by taking on a huge project so they could go out and be with the ones they love. At least this is what you tell her (job or no job).
On your way to work or “work” you begin to set up your lunch date with another lonely loser. She’ll be delighted to meet you, even for just a few minutes. You will have to explain that lunch is the only break you have today and that you would love to spend that little break with her. This will make her feel extra special, but keep in mind that she’s not or else she wouldn’t be alone. Make sure you let her know that she has to prepare or get lunch so that you can just come over and maximize the limited time you have to spend with her. Suggest that she provides a light lunch, so she has room for “dessert”. She’ll know you’re talking about your penis, unless she is slow, in which case you should feel ashamed of taking advantage of her. But not so ashamed that you stop from taking advantage of her. That would be stupid and selfish. Remember, she needs you as much as you don’t need her, which is kind of a lot.
This mention of “desert” will let her know that you would like to have some sort of sexual activity included after you are done eating. And that is exactly what you will get. She will also go out of her way to make sure you are extremely satisfied in hopes that you will return to spend your night with her. You won’t. Use the same excuse as you did on your sleepover/breakfast buddy and keep it moving. Oh, and the best part is that as soon as you’re done you can get up and go because you have to get back to “work”. At least this is what you tell her (job or no job).
On your way back to “work” you begin to set up an after-work date. Maybe just a few drinks and a game of bowling or pool. Yes, you read that right. This is more of a stress reliever. Use a good friend or someone you sort of respect to take on this date. Try to make it friendly and non-sexual. I know that no sex is very un-Valentiney, but just trust me. You may or may not want to have sex with her, but it’s best if you don’t. The purpose here is to unwind from your “work” day (job or no job).
If you do choose to spend the rest of your night with her, that’s your call. Just make sure you get real drunk because if you end up having sex. She look at your face the entire time, waiting for the moment your eye catches hers and she will stare. She will stare so long and so hard and so deep that she will never be able to get out of that love hole that she just fell into. Next she will want to form some sort of serious relationship with you, proudly take your last name, have your kids and grow old with you. Remember you’re already good friends and she has probably developed some feelings for you over time. Just keep that in mind. That’s where the alcohol comes in. If you’re drunk you can always blame it on the alcohol and call it a big mistake or better yet, pretend like it never happened.
The other (and better) option is to just call it a night and tell her that you need to go. Refer back to the excuse from breakfast and lunch buddies. She’ll understand and just be happy you made time for her. She’ll go home and cry tears of joyous confusion. Assure yourself that she will be OK, even if she may do something to harm herself, once left alone. She’s out of your hands now.
Oh, we’re not done yet. Have a list of five to seven women prepared in advance that you know to be single. If you have less, that’s alright, but the more the better, as by this time they may have found someone already. Send out one mass text message to all of them. The message will simply read: “busy?” or even better and simpler, “sex?” Now, be patient, because girls like to play games and make you wait a little before they respond. But more importantly, be prepared; any lady that you find by herself by this time will be very desperate and very happy to hear from you, and even happier to see you.
I advise you to stretch before you go over to her place, because she will be all over you (violently, even) before you get your foot fully in the door. Nothing is more embarrassing than pulling a dick muscle while you’re being raped by a desperately horny chick. She will provide you with a very pleasing sexual experience and she will put her heart and soul into it. She may even cry. Whatever you do, don’t make eye contact if this happens, because that’s a non-verbal contract signifying that you are mated for life. You don’t want that, right now. You have your whole life ahead of you. Provided that you’ve done everything as I’ve outlined, you’ll come out just fine (on the area of your choosing). And as an added bonus, if you spend the night, she’ll probably cook you breakfast in the morning. I love Valentine’s day.
Now go out there and get ’em tiger!