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The Bigger The Dick, The Bigger The Asshole:Pause… And Consider Why Nice Guys Finish Last


Hulluva title huh? Yes, that title is a bit of a  double penetrating entendre for ya, but either way you look at it, it’s true. Before you jump the gun and think that I’ll be discussing some sort of vulgar butt smut, or pontificating on the pains and sins of poohole sex – stop! What I will be commenting on, however, is the direct correlation of the size of a man’s member to the manner in which he treats his tricks. Basically: The bigger the dick, the bigger the asshole. The smaller the dick, the nicer the guy. You may ask yourself how I even came to ponder upon such a topic, which eventually led to the production of this insightful work. well, it all started when a girl, whom I’ve never shagged before/yet, asked me why I was such an asshole. And that’s how I came up wit the title of this article. Now, ladies think back to your past relationships. Surely some were good, some were bad, and some not worth remembering. While you’re on your trip down memory lane, think about the guys that treated you like a princess, bought you flowers because it was a Wednesday, or baked you cupcakes for breakfast. Exactly! You can’t really remember much about those fellas, right? Nothing, dare I say, outstanding.

Now, think back to the douches that did you dirty, cheated on you, only came around to pound you out, and never bothered to let  you know when they were about to come over your place or your face, for that matter. Those guys probably stand out more in your mind.  Left more of an impression, if you will. Those are the guys you tried to change, to form, and mold into what those other nice guys were. Unfortunately, those jerks could never quite fit into the nice guy mold. Too big for the nice guy’s britches. And I’d be willing to wager 4 inches of my manhood that all those a-list a-holes had one thing in common, they were packing meat! And I’m not talking about which district in New York they hailed from.

Of course we all know that I am making some fairly broad and lengthy generalizations here, but all generalizations are based on truth. And the truth is that if a guy was blessed with a bigger cock, he’d be more likely to act a bit more cocky. As opposed to a guy that was not-so-blessed, who’d try harder to make up for the areas (mainly lower) where he fell short, in other areas. Maybe he’ll learn new tricks in bed, work out more, dress nicer, learn French, dance salsa, write books and treat you pretty darn well. So if you see a buff guy in Gucci shoes, muscle shirt, with hair gel, and a manicure offering you a foot rub; he’s either gay or insecure about his penis. I kid, I kid. He’s probably both. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay or insecure. As a matter of fact, I think I just found out some very unsettling news about myself after typing out the aforementioned description. I’ll go see a counselor at once. Right after my manicure and salsa class.

There are the rare cases of the well-mannered, well-endowed guys and the little pricks with, well… little pricks. And then you have those that just haven’t gotten the memo yet. Like the dude that thinks he’s hot shit until prom rolls around and he has to keep reminding himself to take his date out of his pocket (his hand, if you’re slow). Yes, prom is the time and place where these truths come to light, where the roster is announced, and the players learn what position they will be assigned to for the remainder of their lives. Of course, with the exception of the occasional late-bloomers and unexpected fourth quarter heroes.

My suggestion to you ladies, is not to focus so much on what’s in a guys pants, but more on what’s in his heart (or wallet). I do understand that some of you may have had too much fun in college and, consequently, your trap may no longer acknowledges the presence of smaller, lighter prey. You may need the weight of a bigger beast to set you off. But do try hard to find a good balance. Maybe you’ll be one of the lucky ones that finds that perfect guy that has it all. Or maybe you’re one of the luckier ones that just doesn’t need much to be satisfied. Just beware, ladies that decide to go down the wide-load dick road; once you’ve been on it, it’s hard to go back to narrow bike lane.

But on a serious note: Fellas, if I’ve made you feel uncomfortable while reading this, take solace in knowing that you’re not alone. After all, not every one can win the lottery – it just isn’t possible. But at least we can all play, if we so choose. And conversely, just because you won the lottery, doesn’t mean you know what to do with your winnings. But, whether you win big, or you win small, whatever you do, don’t blow it… that’s your lady’s (or man’s) job.

I hope I haven’t offended anyone with my observations, which, if you must know, are based on scientific fact (citation: dick daly, circ. your lady.) Before I go, I do have to clear something up. I don’t want anyone to just assume, that I merely wrote this article as a diatribe aimed to belittle those with certain shortcomings (he he. I said short comings). Nor was it to literally praise and put my penis on a pedestal for all to behold and admire, as some magnificent phallic statue. I was simply voicing an opinion based on a keen observation, of the relationships between men and women, and the reasons why some men treat women so badly and why those women still want those men so badly. At no point in this piece of fine American literature did I mention the stature of my penis, or the lack thereof. My dick in not on trial here, and if it was, the jury would surely be hung (get it?). For those that have never seen nor felt my cockpiece have no business wondering what it’s up to how how it’s hanging. Unless you are on Snapchat and send me a pic of your vagina, boot, breast or just your room, first. Fair trade!

Now you may try to call me out and point to the statement earlier in this article where I, self-admittedly, stumbled upon this whole topic after a woman whom has never been intimate with me, asked me the simple question: “Why are you such an asshole?” And the fact that I divulged that I came up with the title of this article based on the answer to said question, would have you come to the seemingly obvious conclusion that I was such an asshole because I was in the possession of such a big dick. I do understand that I may appear to be the holder of such, but I’d rather not say. However, any woman that has been intimate with me, and has truly taken me in, knows one of my biggest little secrets; I’m actually a very nice guy, who just pretends to be an asshole. And with that, I leave you with this…