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A Dick’s-Eye View: 2013 Grammys

Note: I think I like that title and may do several social commentaries under it. Let’s see how this goes first. I’m not really into the award show, celebrity blow job thing, but I needed something to write about. So, here we are. I think I’m going to do this in list form because it seems somewhat appropriate for this particular occasional. Better yet, I’ll give out awards to people and make snide comments about either the recipient of the award or someone related to on of the two. If you don’t follow, you’re not alone. I’m not exactly sure where I’m going with this either, so  just stick around and we’ll figure it out together. And for the record;  if I will be quoting anyone, just know that I’ll be paraphrasing. So before you jump on my dick, don’t. Without any further ado, let’s ah do  this! And the best speech goes to…

Jay-Z: “I’d like to thank the swap meet for that hat” (as he pointed to The Dream’s tragic choice of  head gear). jay dreamOh, that wasn’t a joke. At least not on my part. That is really what he said, and that was all. You know you have too many Grammys when your award speech can be squandered on a mere observation – a joke.

The Dream does needs to introduce more fiber into his diet and pull his shit together. C’mon son! On the real, tho, this is a nationally televised event. Your attirical selections are closely monitored and even scrutinized by the media and the public. I understand artists wanting to make a statement, but what exactly were you trying to communicate, young man? But, while we’re on the topic of  fashion, I’d like to announce the best selection of attire for the evening.

And the award for the best dressed goes to…

Kelly Rowland: She looks ravishing!

kellyYou see, this is how you stay relevant when you are a orphan child of destiny, and your name is not Beyonce. This dress is gotdamn gorgeous and the woman inside is just as well. Kell has always been fine, but on this night she has never been finer. I don’t know who made it, nor do I need to. This dress may never be worn again. By anyone.

My only gripe is that she looked a little shy in it in some of the pictures on the web. You need to OWN such a dress. Embrace it’s sluttyness and carry on as such. Get banged by, or at least suck off , a fellow celebrity or even a stranger in the bathroom or the hallway. She must have gone to this thing alone because if I was her date I’d be all up in that dress with her all night long. It’s actually a bad career move because she’s bound to end up pregnant at the end of the night. Let’s jut hope that she has that Beyonce bounce-back, or at least enough common sense to abort. Abort!

Honorable mentions to Katy Perry as a close second, just for looking so edibley delicious.

katy pelen katty

I’ve never considered Katy Perry super attractive until I saw her on stage in that dress. Don’t get me wrong, she’s never been ugly to me, she just never garnered much attention from the little guy down stairs. Now all that has changed and she will gladly get it. And by “it” I mean the MOTOR BOAT! I would so motor boat those sons of bitches.

Next up we have the cutest acceptance speech(es), which goes to…

Goyte and Kimbra for Record of the Year: I don’t recall everything that was said but it sounded heartfelt and genuine. I guess what made this one the best was the fact that the muthafuckin man, himself bestowed this trophy upon them. No, Jesus did not make a guest appearance. Even better. Yes, I’m talking about Prince.


Do you see how happy they look? It has nothing to do with the fact they have just received a Grammy. They forgot all about that little thing. They are just giddy about another little thing; Prince is standing right next to them. And can you blame them? Can you!?! He took of his shades. Eye contact was made. Jamie was right…


Look at him. How old is this dude? Still looks like a little kid. Whatever you do, don’t look into his eyes.

And last, we have the worst speech(es) of the night. And this award goes to…

Anyone that got on stage, acted surprised and said, “I didn’t think I was going to win.” 

Fuck you! Then you shouldn’t have won. Kelly Clarkson, was not the only person to say this, but she was the funniest. Probably because she was hammered. I might be wrong. But she was definitely wrong for how she did Miguel (even though she just said out loud what many were already thinking quietly). Have a look, see…

Here’s a suggestion for next year: Make all the nominees take a survey beforehand, asking them whether they think they will win or not. Tell them to be completely honest and assure them that their answers will not affect their outcomes. Don’t tell them, however, that you just lied to them. If anyone if those bastards selects “no” then don’t award them. Period. If one more winner say “I didn’t think I was going to win…” or anything along those lines, they should release Kanye on ’em. UNFILTERED KANYE!

I could understand if  maybe I’m sitting at home on the couch and Prince opens up the envelope, the drum roll starts, they pause for dramatic effect and then suddenly suddenly have me on the screen and call my name as the winner for best country female vocalist. That would be a fuckin’ shocker! Mainly because I am not a musician, nor a female and moreover, I was not nominated to win a fuckin’ Grammy.  But if you’re actually nominated then there’s a chance, no matter how slight, that you might win. Have your shit together and give a proper speech. With the exception of Jay-Z, of course. You, sir, you may continue to say whatever the fuck you want.