Never Ever Wear a Uniform

by d. daly on December 23, 2009

A fictional cautionary scenario, that you really should not read unless you have absolutely nothing better to do. The contents of this article are merely the views of dick daly and do not reflect the opinions of any sane persons. Proceed if you must.

Let’s say you applied for a well-paying job at a prestigious corporation. We’ll call this XYZ Corp. Your application was out standing. You get called up for a phone interview. You knock it out the park. You get asked to come in for a final face-to-face, hand shake, and salary negotiations interview. You’re the man! Unless, of coarse, you’re a woman, and if you are then this article might not pertain to you. Why? Because women in uniform are usually safe. “Safe from what?” You ask… Well if you let me finish this scenario I will get to that.

You show up for your interview 20 minutes early. Good move. Relax. You spend 5 minutes in your car listening to something inspirational and motivating. “Money on my mind”, Weezy. “…fuck bitches, get money…” You’re ready. Let’s get it!

You walk in and you’re promptly greeted by a lovely lady wearing a light blue dress shirt with a white collar, navy blue slacks, brown shoes and brown belt. She looks like she’s in great shape and wears her outfit well, but that’s not the point here. She escorts you to the manager’s office where you will meet the man that will make or break your day.

On the way over you notice another gentleman in his late 20’s carrying some files in one hand and a XYZ Corp. coffee mug in the other. He walks with a purpose. He’s someone here. But it’s not what’s in his hand, or his walk, or demeanor you concern yourself with. No, my friend, you take note of his attire. You are not pleased with what you see.

You notice that he is also wearing a light blue dress shirt with a white collar, navy blue slacks, brown shoes and brown belt. At this point you shouldn’t panic, but you should definitely stay on your guard. Without being too obvious about it, start walking on your toes. Be ready for anything.

“Why?”, you ask. Well, if you stop asking me “why?” and just let me get to my point, I would get there that much quicker. So stop asking me why. Instead, carefully observe the work place and see if this coordination of clothing is merely a Monday morning coincidence, or if something bigger and more sinister is at work. And by that I mean… uniforms. Even a strict color enforced dress code can be extremely dangerous to you and your future with this company. Don’t you dare ask why. Just you wait for it, my friend.

The Manger is in his office on a personal call wit a golfing buddy. He notifies him that the tee time has been moved up one hour. His associate is not happy about it, but he assures them that he’ll make it up to them. You know this because the outside of his office is made entirely of  glass and you learned how to read lips when you were 15 years old and everyone talked about how weird you were because you were always staring at them because you were trying to see if you could read their lips. Once you learned how to read lips you stopped staring because it became painfully obvious that everyone was just talking about you staring at them. You’re a little weird. But that’s not the point here so allow me to get to it.

As he hangs up the phone he stands up and makes his way over to the door to let you in. You’re disgusted. He is also wearing a light blue dress shirt, with navy blue slacks, blown shoes and brown belt. But he also has on a matching (navy blue) jacket. You know exactly what’s going on here. You’re not happy. Your instincts tell you to turn around and run. But just as you do, you are greeted by a cheery voice to your far right. You look in the direction if the voice and greet them back automatically.

A woman dressed in a gaudy red dress, with a white scarf and matching red and white shoes makes her way over to you. You recognize her face. She’s the boss. She wants to meet you. You give her a firm one and show you’re respectful, but not afraid. But the fact of the matter, however, is that you are a little uneasy.

You see that she has two oddly handsome, big, burly gentleman at her side. They are there to intimidate, but you’re surely not intimidated by these losers. You know their kind all too well and you know very well that it never ends well for them. Well, I know right now you’re probably thinking that I should restructure that last sentence and removes some of those “wells”. Well, I won’t. I do what I darn well please. So keep reading.

You see that those two gentleman are also wearing light blue dress shirts, with white collars, navy blue slack, brown shoes and brown belts. You make up your mind right there and then that you want no parts of this gig, no matter the pay or perks.

You have seen too many movies to go for this one. You know for a fact that if something bad were to happen here at XYZ Corp. that you would not stand a good chance of making it out alive. If there was a gunfight you’d be one of the first ones shot. If there was an explosion you’d quickly fly across the screen, no one would ever know where you landed. You would meet  a sorry end, indeed.

The two big bouncers might get a good fight scene, but you know they’ll just end up getting their asses kicked by a smaller, more agile hero.  The manager in his outstanding jacket would possibly get a good chase scene and maybe even a solo gunfight, but he would eventually go out trying to protect the boss. And the boss lady. Well, she’ll be saved for last and will likely go out in spectacular fashion. Perhaps her private helicopter will get shot down, or she’ll fall into a vat of waste that XYZ Corp. creates through the production of their evil overpriced widgets.

You get my point. In every movie the good folks in the uniforms always die first.  If you work for a company that issues uniforms then you run the risk of being part of something evil that you may not be aware of. So, while your collecting your data and crunching your number to figure out how many more widgets XYZ Corp. can produce in a minute and how many more dollars you can charge per unit, there is a hero watching and plotting his move to bring it all down. Don’t become a victim.

Don’t let your children get a job flipping burgers. They wear uniforms! Don’t let your buddy take a job for the government delivering the mail. They wear uniforms! Don’t allow your wife to work as a nurse in a hospital. They wear uniforms! Don’t allow you husband to work as a nurse in a hospital. That’s just gay! And never ever take a job as a police officer. They always go out first.

Money isn’t everything. You have to think about your future. Think about your family. Think about the rolling credits at the end of your life movie. Do you want to be known as “Guy in uniform #6”? I sure as hell don’t.

This has been a public service announcement for people that work in uniforms or know people that are forced to wear uniforms. Brought to you by a dude with an over active imagination and way too much time on his hands.

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