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Out of Body Experience

Have you ever had an out of body experience or an OBE for short? I’ve had one and that shit was fucking scary. When it happened I just thought it was a nightmare, but upon further research, I discovered that I actually had an OBE. There are even people that practice inducing OBEs and have fun with them, but that’s another story for another day. I wanna tell you a little about my out of body experience.

It was around 2003-2004. I had a girlfriend at the time and I was at her house, but she was out of town visiting her parents, or least that’s what she told me. She could have been down the street screwing her neighbor’s brains out for the weekend, but I’d like to think she went to visit her parents. This girlfriend also had a dog, which I was left to watch. Bitch! So, this is the background of my story. This story is completely true, except for some parts I embellish for comedic effect. I make this disclaimer to keep me from going to jail. Ok, here we go.

So, I’m laying down in my girlfriend’s bed and then I notice that she’s laying behind me, but as I mentioned before, she wasn’t there. She puts her arms around me to cuddle and snuggle. I let her. And then suddenly her grip begins to tighten and she turns into the fugliest demon I’d ever seen. And I fucking panic. I struggle to break free, but the grip just gets tighter and the room begins to rumble. The harder I fight the more it shakes. If I had just eaten I would have shat myself. The feeling was like a very heavy bench press and it felt like I would die if I did not get it off of me. But, like the beast that I am, I bust through it. And just like that, I’m awake to an empty room with deafening silence. I can hear my heartbeat. I feel scared and a little violated. I lay there quietly and think pretty thoughts. Like flowers, and rainbows, and leprechauns… oh never mind those little fucks scare the shit out of me. I think other pretty thoughts. Hmmm, vaginas.

So I’m trying to relax and keep from falling back asleep. I get up and walk around the room to take my mind off of what just happened. I go look in the closet. Peep out the window, but it’s dark and creepy. Then I go to the mirror to give myself a pep talk. I tell myself to stop acting like a fucking pussy and man up and go back to sleep. So I’m looking into the mirror and… I shit you not…there is the same demon behind me in the mirror. He grabs me and we do that awful dance all over again. This time I break away much faster, but once I wake up I feel totally mind fucked. I was distraught. I was way beyond violated at this point. I couldn’t even trust my self to know if I was awake or asleep. This made me go a little crazy for a little while.

I kept looking behind me to see if anything was there. And I stayed the fuck away from that gotdamned mirror. I had issues trusting my first waking moments every day. Each time I woke up I’d think to myslef that I was being tricked and looked for signs to indicate whether I was actually awake or asleep.

My girlfriend grew increasingly concerned and she would express her concerns to me without me asking her opinion. This upset me. I told her that she’d better shut her evil trap and keep her hands off of me before I slayed her. I purchased a sword from the pawn shop just for that purpose. She became a lot less vocal about the whole thing and kept her hands to her self. It was a rough time for us both. But we managed to make it through.

Eventually things got back to normal and she didn’t have to worry about me slaying her anymore. But sometimes, for fun, I’d pretend I was still crazy and chase her around with the sword. This was always fun, but only until the cops showed up; then it became attempted murder. I mean seriously, Mr. Officer how many times do you think I’m gonna “attempt” to murder this girl? If I wanted to do it I’d have done it by now.

Quite frankly, before things got good again they got pretty dark. Especially in the beginning and most especially when I was alone.  I may have slipped into insanity for a while. It was so bad that I would absolutely not, under any circumstances, believe that I was awake. I’d break things when I woke up to prove to myself that I was dreaming, thinking that I’d wake up to the TV or the A/C unit still in perfect condition. It never was. I’d piss my pants and think that the bed would be dry when I really woke up. It never was. I would strangle my girlfriend in her sleep, thinking that she was a demon out to get me. Turns out that she actually was. But that’s another story for another day.

Interesting side-note: It turns out that even if you piss your pants in a dream you’ll really wet the bed. Lesson learned. Another lesson learned; if you want to piss on your girlfriend, do it while she is sleeping and tell her you had a dream that you were pissing. Sure she’ll be mad, but at least you save the extra $150 you’d have to pay a prostitute to do the same thing. Then you can take that $150 and buy your girlfriend something nice and she’ll forget all about you pissing all over her face. Kinda like a prostitute. Things that make you go, “hmmm.” But, I digress

Back to my moment of insanity – the part that I am most ashamed of. One day (brace yourself) I even made love to the dog when I was positive that I was sleeping, just to prove that I would never do something so disgusting as fuck a dog in real life. As it turns out, I would and it’s not so disgusting after all. I’m not proud of this and once I realized it wasn’t a dream I was a little ashamed of myself. But, surprisingly, we actually became closer. And each time after it became more natural and less weird, but for some reason, it never became more legal. We eventually stopped and drifted apart because I called her a bitch once during sex to spice things up, and she just couldn’t forgive me. But she didn’t even realize that she was, in fact, an actual bitch. I mean scientifically speaking, you know. Not like that bitch of a girlfriend that broke up with me for having sex with her dog. Total bitch.

So, that’s the story of my OBE. I know it went somewhere you didn’t expect, but such is life. If you’ve ever had an OBE please share your story with me. I promise I won’t judge you.